In an application form, do you hover over the 'single' option before memory kicks in? After all, you and your partner have different interests and me-time often extends to the whole day. You might be a SITH (single in the head) couple. Find out if you're one and see how you can make your relationship work while holding on to your individuality. By Aarthi Gunnupuri
We are fatally attracted to Gucci and Jimmy Choo, in an emotional relationship with chocolate and feel strongly about the health benefits of sleeping in. But the best things in life come at a price-they affect our wallets, our waistline and make us late for work! Relationships are similar. Sure, we get to fall asleep in someone’s arms every night, but we also tend to lose some friends, shift some focus from our work onto our partner, give up some hobbies and let go of a few dreams that don’t fit in with a coupled lifestyle. Right? Wrong!
Not everyone treats a relationship like the central force of their lives. They pursue their individual interests, keep friends, make new ones and enjoy their time alone. They adore and respect their partner, but also honour their own individuality. These couples are single in the head (SITH). Hear it from two such couples on how they stay committed.
“It’s about individual opinion and mutual respect”
Karina Kriplani, 27, and Sidhraj Shah, 31, are the quintessential SITH couple. They’ve found the right balance between being together and keeping their individuality. Karina is a lawyer. Sidhraj’s in advertising. “I had not met a single person from advertising before I met him,” says Karina. “And I didn’t know anyone who was a lawyer,” smiles Sidhraj.
Sidhraj loves sports and Karina loves reading. Sidhraj has his gang of buddies he’s known for years, and Karina loves sipping Cosmos with girlfriends. “I am totally cool with his obsession with sports,” says Karina, “whereas I just love lounging around and use those days as an excuse to spend time with the girls!”
The couple’s chemistry is palpable, so is their individuality. When you’re single in the head, you preserve your individual opinion and mostly take your own decisions. “There was this new job that I was really excited about, but Sidhraj didn’t think it was a good idea. I wanted to do it anyway and here I am at my new job loving every single day,” says Karina smiling widely.
“It’s about giving each other space, yet being a couple”
Rupa Gulab, 37, and her husband are another such couple. Rupa penned one of India’s earlier chick-lit novels, Girl Alone, whose main character was hilarious, but needy, dependent and insecure. Rupa is in stark contrast to her protagonist. She says, “I live a fabulous life with my husband. He loves his trips to wildlife parks and I hate them-so he goes with other people. I love noisy pubs, he hates them, so I go with other people. We’re not joined at the hip and absolutely refuse to be.”
Rupa adds, “Space is a crucially important issue in a relationship. Absence and distance do make the heart grow fonder. Imagine how much time we’d spend bickering if we forced each other to do things one of us doesn’t enjoy?”
Potential fight areas
While the following advice pertains to all sorts of relationships, it’s even more important in a SITH one. Dr Minnu Bhonsale, counsellor, says, “In a SITH relationship, if one takes a decision that the other disagrees with, the disagreeing partner should give his or her opinion and then, back the person unconditionally. This, irrespective of the decision taken and without holding a grudge. Otherwise, a passive-aggressive dynamic could emerge.”
Dr Bhonsale warns that thinking single can sometimes be risky to the relationship. She recounts the experiences of one of her patients who loved dancing, going out and having a good time, while her husband was a serious, introverted type. “They grew up in the same building, fell in love and got married,” she says. “But with time, she began to feel stifled, they were always surrounded by family since they continued to live in the same building, and the problem was compounded by their vastly different personalities and interests.” She began to pursue her love for dance, started hanging out with her buddies from class, while her husband refused to be part of her scene.
“The woman fell for her dance partner and began to compare him to her husband, and slowly the marriage disintegrated,” says Dr Bhonsale.
So how do you keep it together?
Be open to exploring each others’ interests. “You might be surprised by how much you actually enjoy your partner’s favourite hobby,” says Dr Bhonsale. “Or just seeing your partner enjoy himself could give you pleasure and happiness, resulting in a strong and healthy relationship.” And while you may not agree with your partner’s decisions or have the same points of view, make sure to show that “what matters to him, matters to you”, says Dr Bhosale. This attitude creates bonding like no other.
Advice from the horse’s mouth
Our SITH couples give us a few pointers on how they’ve turned their relationship into a success story.
1) Be honest and straightforward with each other, trust is very important in SITH relationships.
2) Spend time alone so you don’t feel stifled, because as a SITH you tend to cherish your me-time.
3) SITH individuals like to spend time with friends as well, especially in groups, but make sure to also spend time with each other. “I know a few SITH couples who are awkward and lost when it’s just them together,” says Sidhraj.
4) Individualistic is not the same as egoistic and uncomprimising. “Ego’s a bitch,” says Karina.
5) Travel as much as possible as a couple. This is important in SITH relationships, as you’re forced to spend time together, you may bicker and argue, and feel your space ‘taken’, but it’ll do your relationship good.
Couples’ counsellor Dr Minnu Bhonsale shares her ideas on bridging the distance
Bridge 1: Willingness to share and participate
You should make sure to not isolate your partner. Share your experiences with details about whom you met, what you did, how you felt and so on about your ‘single’ time with your partner. If possible, try to mix both your worlds. Your partner may not be as interested in trekking as you are, but he might probably enjoy meeting your trekking friends over dinner.
Bridge 2: Catch early signs and communicate
If the ‘space’ is turning into ‘distance’, the more perceptive and self-aware person among the couple-possibly you, the SITH individual-will realise this early on and should open the channel for communication.
Bridge 3: Acknowledge and appreciate
You should acknowledge that your partner is giving you the space and the freedom. Don’t grudge him not being part of your alone activities. Instead, appreciate your lone time, enjoy it and follow it up with the ‘Bridge 1’ tip.
Bridge 4: You may be SITH, but you’re not Single
Before committing to marriage or a serious relationship, realise that you will have to make space for another person. If you’re too committed to your individual interests and the other person is too invested in the relationship, the gap might be too large to bridge. Introspect and understand if you can indeed make space for another person in your life.
This quiz will help you figure out if you are a happy or a lone ranger
1) It’s Saturday night and you want to go out partying, but your partner wants to spend time with his PSP. You…
a) Call up your girlfriends and paint the town red
b) Oops! You have no BFFs left, you dumped them all when you met your guy
2) You’ve been ODing on the greasy Chinese at the office cafeteria and your love handles are making a comeback. You…
a) Are worried that the fabulous Prada outfit you maxed your credit card for will not fit!
b) Are worried that your partner will lose interest!
3) He wants to learn the waltz to awaken the metrosexual within, but you think the waltz is pretentious and boring, so you…
a) Tell him he’s free to partner with your friend who is also interested in learning to waltz.
b) Hate it, but go anyway, worried that he’ll be holding another woman’s waist otherwise.
Mostly Bs - You’re joined at the hip with your man and you might be in danger of losing your identity or smothering him. Soon, people will be mixing up your names and will not be able to tell you apart!
Mostly As - You’re the typical SITH. Keep reading!
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