How I saved my marriage

Kainaaz Patell, 31, had the dream man, but an unsatisfactory marriage. She tells Aarthi Gunnupuri how she focused on herself to make her marriage a solid, equal partnership

"I found my true self in London three years back. After years of feeling like a burden to my marriage, it dawned on me that I had to make some changes if I wanted to be happy again.

"I met Rayomand seven years ago through an aunt. On our first date, he planned out dinner, mixed it up with lovely conversation and served dessert with charm. How could a girl resist? Soon, we were engaged."

"A few months into the marriage, it dawned on me that juggling work and home was a tough act. I had a dream job at a travel agency that took me around the world. But since I spent a lot of time away from my husband, I quit soon after. Now the focus slipped stealthily to my husband and his life. His life became my life."

"Within a matter of weeks, I had turned into a nag. Losing an income didn't affect the Patell household, but asking my husband for pocket money did deflate my confidence.
On a happier note, I became pregnant during this time."

"After Jehaan's arrival, when I finally had the time to look up from the crib, I noticed the amount of weight I had put on. But one day, an invitation to stay with a close friend for a few months in London came my way. Jehaan in tow, I set off. Distance is supposed to make your heart grow fonder. And while I did miss my husband, the distance gave me some much-needed perspective and I started missing my old self."

"When I came back to Mumbai, change was in order. I decided if I had to mope around, I might as well do it on a treadmill. I'd read somewhere that there's nothing like an affair to boost your confidence. So I began mine with Renoir and Monet. I had always been interested in art, but for the first time I took it seriously and signed up for art classes. These positive changes encouraged me to learn another skill, something I was always too scared to attempt-driving in chaotic Mumbai."

"Rayomand must've noticed the changes in me, I realised, because one evening, he suddenly said, 'Since you can drive and are in tune with the art world, you should get a job at an art gallery.' Soon I was indispensable to an upcoming gallery in the city. At least, that's what I'd like to think!"

"Working on my life and my own happiness has had a wonderful effect on my relationship. When you're feeling negative and under-confident, it's hard for your smile to reach your eyes. The confi dence that dropping 20 kg gave me has put the mojo back into my life and, subsequently, into our relationship. Like MF Husain, our petty bickering is now in exile."

"With my new job, I am stimulated intellectually and creatively. This has made pillow talk far more interesting. I know the new me is a work in progress. But when you realise how personal contentment affects different facets of your life and relationships, there's more incentive to chase your dreams. Recently, we went to Paris and I was glad that the only baggage I carried with me was my LV case-paid for with my credit card."

SCIENTISTS SAY, CHEER UP!
In an oft-quoted study by psychologists Murray, Holmes and Griffin in 2000, couples with low self-esteem dramatically underestimated how positively their partners saw them. Those who underestimated their partners' regards also had more negative perceptions of their partners.

PHOTOGRAPH BY SAMEER MANGTANI; MAKEUP BY PRIYANKA PALKAR; HAIR BY RATNA RAO

If getting gorgeous is on your mind always, you can't afford to miss out BIG AND BEAUTIFUL beauty issue. For all that buzzy info, gossip and killer deals, grab our beauty issue - out on the stands on 21st April. For more action, check out http://www.facebook.com/feminawoman

Would you kill the man you love?

Priyanka Chopra in Saat Khoon Maaf says that every married woman at least once in her lifetime does ponder over how to get rid of her husband. Curious, if there is really any weight in that and if women would think of it in an extreme moment- we asked the ladies for confessions and heard some 'killer' opinions! By Clinical Psychologist Prachi S Vaish

"The idea is certainly intriguing"

Monisha, 25, seems titillated by the whole idea. "I think there's no limit to human nature and who knows what I'll do if pushed too far? But I do know that if I'm willing to lay my life down for him, I would definitely be passionate enough to go to that extreme if need arises."

The thought of killing one's partner can only rear its head in dire situations and even then, to go through with it would actually require a huge emotional upheaval as all history of crime reveals that killing a partner has always been a crime of passion like the case of Yvonne Rousseau and Pierre Chevallier where their fiery romance of decades gave way to her jealousy and his murder, and took France by the storm in 1951.

Riya, 27, exclaims, "I'm certainly going to do it one night while he sleeps; every time I hear the drone of his snores I want to smother him with a pillow till he stops breathing!" Now there's sure a 'humour'-killing idea!

"It only looks good in movies"
Divya, 34, takes her time to think about it and opines, "sometimes situations like this should be just humoured...it was easy for Priyanka to kill husbands because she probably knew she would have six more husbands, but in real life however irritating or wretched the husband gets, murder wouldn't be our cup of tea. The best I would do is leave him with his disgust to bear; nothing would be a better revenge that that. Once he loses his woman who stood by him he will realise what he lost. Murder and blood on my hands will look convincing only in movies and for a hottie like Priyanka? She can kill with her looks, I couldn't even kill an ant if I stared at it!"

Shakti, a mother of two and married for almost a decade, says, "the only scenario I can imagine where I would be driven to murder would be if I saw him with another woman. I gave him the best years of my life, two beautiful children and a home, and now when I need him the most, I wouldn't stand for him to run off with a bimbo!"

"Too much of an Indian to do it"
Hansika, 28, admits to having serious trouble in marital paradise but says that, "I guess it must be the intrinsic values I have as an Indian that restrain me from even thinking about causing him physical harm; I could curse and scream, maybe even shake him up once in a while, but murder? I don't think so." Deepika, 29, agrees and adds in the same vein, "There is an urge to call the relationship off but never to the extreme of killing him. There are moments when you want to end it all, either by a divorce or killing one self but the thought of killing him never came; maybe it's how our Indian system is - In-laws and husbands killing their wives is common but hardly heard of the other way around."

Murder or not, we now know for sure that one common denominator of female fury is the 'other woman' and if push comes to shove, the female might just prove to be the deadlier of the species!

Top 5 mistakes that can ruin new love

You've known him three weeks and yet you ask him to pick up tomatoes on his way over to your place...not a good idea! Why? Simply because your comfort level may not be the same as his! Clinical Psychologist Prachi S Vaish lists a few moves you should avoid just yet

Home chores
Sure he offered to help you move to your new apartment but having him stack your pots and pans and medicine cabinet is not his idea of housewarming! Same goes for asking him to do your grocery shopping because he's 'coming over anyway'. Domestic tasks make all men feel married and unless you're just a step short of walking down the aisle, don't assign household chores to a new flame.

Two too-much
An occasional double date to show off the new hottie to all your naysayer couple friends is alright but if you schedule one very weekend and sit sighing over how adorable they look together, you're actually ringing his warning bells. Too much couple interaction in a new hook-up says to him 'husband-hunter' instead of 'fun date' and we don't want that impression, do we?

The Cinderella transformation
You take hours to dazzle him with your look but a guy you've been dating for a few weeks doesn't need to see the steps leading up to the diva look; so no opening doors with green goo on your face, no shaving equipment lying around in the bathroom where he can see it, no requests to drop you at the salon and wait for you and no taking hours to get ready while he flips magazines in your living room...get it done before he arrives!

That never-ending crib session
There's a reason why they call it 'girl talk'. Venting after a particularly stressful day is okay, but if you indulge him in nasty gossip about your friends and co-workers everyday you're just telling him what a crummy person you are at heart.

Honesty that sucks!
Don't get us wrong, we are all for basing a relationship on completely honest terms but there's a time and place for everything. When he has only known you a short time and is still totally enamoured by every little breath you take, you can save the details of the time you got your first period. Sure go ahead and tell him about how you got to where you are in life but save the not-so-pleasant details for later...or never!

Doing things together and for each other is fascinating, but joined-at-the-hip act can wait for an older relationship; let him treat you like the princess he wants for now and enjoy it while it lasts!

Top 5 mistakes that can ruin new love

You've known him three weeks and yet you ask him to pick up tomatoes on his way over to your place...not a good idea! Why? Simply because your comfort level may not be the same as his! Clinical Psychologist Prachi S Vaish lists a few moves you should avoid just yet

Home chores
Sure he offered to help you move to your new apartment but having him stack your pots and pans and medicine cabinet is not his idea of housewarming! Same goes for asking him to do your grocery shopping because he's 'coming over anyway'. Domestic tasks make all men feel married and unless you're just a step short of walking down the aisle, don't assign household chores to a new flame.

Two too-much
An occasional double date to show off the new hottie to all your naysayer couple friends is alright but if you schedule one very weekend and sit sighing over how adorable they look together, you're actually ringing his warning bells. Too much couple interaction in a new hook-up says to him 'husband-hunter' instead of 'fun date' and we don't want that impression, do we?

The Cinderella transformation
You take hours to dazzle him with your look but a guy you've been dating for a few weeks doesn't need to see the steps leading up to the diva look; so no opening doors with green goo on your face, no shaving equipment lying around in the bathroom where he can see it, no requests to drop you at the salon and wait for you and no taking hours to get ready while he flips magazines in your living room...get it done before he arrives!

That never-ending crib session
There's a reason why they call it 'girl talk'. Venting after a particularly stressful day is okay, but if you indulge him in nasty gossip about your friends and co-workers everyday you're just telling him what a crummy person you are at heart.

Honesty that sucks!
Don't get us wrong, we are all for basing a relationship on completely honest terms but there's a time and place for everything. When he has only known you a short time and is still totally enamoured by every little breath you take, you can save the details of the time you got your first period. Sure go ahead and tell him about how you got to where you are in life but save the not-so-pleasant details for later...or never!

Doing things together and for each other is fascinating, but joined-at-the-hip act can wait for an older relationship; let him treat you like the princess he wants for now and enjoy it while it lasts!

10 things men want from us, besides sex

It's not just physical intimacy and action in bed that men desire from women. There is tonnes more they wish from us that may not be on top of a woman's mind. Smita Singh helps you peek into a man's mind and heart...

1) The Incredible lightness of being
With men, hands down this is going to top the list - a woman who lessens their chances of a heart attack, panic attack, nerve attack- you get the picture. Basically someone who is easy to be with, can take a joke and unwind with them, funny, light on the senses and bright.

2) Honest to Goodness
If you thought fidelity and loyalty are not concerns that bother men too much, be informed that Mars isn’t that mysterious a place. Integrity and honesty are as valuable to men as to us. Anyway, your basic honesty in dealing with men will more often than not get you through the toughest of times. And if you are contending to be with him for a lifetime, your ability to stay true to yourself as well as to him counts big time.

3) Emotional Independence
Well you may have heard about the victim who cried buckets and got her gentle lover to not only rescue but commit to her forever, but there’s a good chance it happened in a bad movie adaptation of an equally bad book because wet blankets tend to weigh down most men. Not that temperaments, mood swings and real issues can’t be adjusted to, but over emotional, clingy and needy need not apply just yet.

4) Lack of too much Mystery
Over mystifying the feminine mystique is a little out dated ladies. Women who are straight-forward and easy to get through are the most desired ones- notice the operative word ‘easy’ please. Don’t unnecessarily complicate the ‘simple stuff’ as men probably do realise when we play too hard to get.

5) The Anti-Nag
So he got the message - you left it in the voice mail, the e- mail, the social site inbox, on the fridge and that post- it on his forehead. You are not the one. Perhaps to quantify this one there’s just one phrase- The Anti - Nag. Those species of women who don’t drive the point home so hard so as to bury the message. So watch it all you naggers out there!

6) The Butterfly Effect
It’s not just women who want fireworks, men too seem to care about how the women they are with make them feel, out of bed especially. Sustaining the passion that got you together is equally important to men and springing good surprises once in a while is never out of fashion with most of them.

7) Strength of Confidence
We do want our partners to be able to take care when we fall apart, to take charge when we falter, just as we do for them. But to make it a habit of faltering, falling and leaving the mess for him to clear can prove very expensive. Your strength and confidence in your abilities are merits for you and him both, so cherish them and carry them with you always.

8) Love Express
So this one may be down in the list but don’t believe for a second your love doesn’t need to know you care. Take time to express your love every once in a while- it’s never wasted!

9) Your ability to take a Chance on him
Yes its true- your support counts and whether you like his ideas or not, he’s going ahead with it and if not he’ll probably resent you for a long time- so support for hare-brained ideas is a must for many. Congratulations if you are with a genius and good luck if you are with… well the other guy.

10) Generosity
Perhaps not too much with his money, but surely generosity of being, to forgive and forget, to have an open heart, and generosity with love matters. You can’t ever go wrong with this one and if you do, it will still help you become more magnificent than you already are.

Magnanimous or mean, what’s your style?

Do you believe in an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth policy or are you the aficionado of Gandhigiri? Ramya Iyer asks five young women what's their approach - 'Forgive and forget' or 'Tit for Tat'. Here's what she unravelled

“Leave no space for regrets”

22-year-old Sandya Ragoowanshi from Mumbai firmly believes that a little bit of both is essential to survive in today’s world.

“Of course, there needs to be a balance. Also, what’s mean or magnanimous depends on the situation. Both paths can be equally hard and both could leave you with nothing. So whatever the choice may be, just be damn sure that you want to do it; leave no space for regrets.”

“One can catch more flies with a teaspoon of honey than a barrel full of vinegar”
Ruchika Beri, 25, from Mumbai leaves it to God for rebuke.

“I am a free spirit who believes in live and let live but at the same time I don’t like if someone trespasses my space. What goes around comes around. But I don’t just let-go. I verify intensity of the harm and then plot my plan on how to tackle it and teach a lesson.”

“Tit for tat works for small things. But for the bigger things in life, I just let it be”
24-year-old, Latika Payak also from Mumbai vouches for forgive and forget with a degree of difference.

“Forgive and forget is more like me for the long term. Who wants to carry a baggage for a lifetime? But if it’s an action that demands instant reaction, then I frequently visit the Tit for Tat bracket. I am not into making elaborate plans and waiting for the right time to even out the dues. I believe that Tit for Tat works for small things in life. For the bigger things in life, I just let it be. It’s not worth the effort. What’s done is done.”

“My style is to forgive but never forget.”
Neha Malude, 26, from Delhi believes that wrong doers should never be let off the hook.

“Sure, you can forgive him or her and move on because honestly I can’t hold a grudge for too long but never forget what they did to you. I am not a revengeful person so I would never plot something deliberately to get back at anyone, but if that person ever thinks about coming back to me for help (you know, what goes around comes around!) they should know what to expect.”

“If you let-go of someone who has been unjust to you, they will walk all over you.”
Pune’s 27-year-old Deepa Iyer vows never to let-it-be, after a certain turn of events.

“I have always been the ‘forgive and forget’ kinds, forgiving, understanding and tolerant. Recently, I have realised it doesn’t work at all. People just don’t appreciate your righteousness and walk all over you. After a recent breakup, I realised my ex took no time in hooking up with someone else. I had been very forgiving about his moral-slip ups and other gaffes for the three years of our relationship. Now that I was in control of my emotions, it was time to teach him a lesson. He is a model and all his contacts call him on his mobile. I just cut off his mobile number which was in my name. He was wedged in Mumbai with no address proof and hence no mobile number. So that was definitely his lesson for a life-time, never to mess with me.”

What’s your intimacy quotient?

Intimacy is to sex what cuddling is to foreplay. It brings you close enough so you can get even closer. But in a relationship, it's easy to confuse sex with intimacy. Binal Zaveri-Ghelani asks a few questions to score your marriage on the I factor

You know his favourite fantasy, but do you know which teacher he had a crush on? He knows where it’s leading when you lean in for a kiss, but can he predict your next move? It doesn’t take long for a solid relationship to go from sizzle to snore, and the only thing that keeps it from doing that is your shared level of intimacy. Intimacy introduces you to new aspects of the person you fell in love with. Take the quiz and see how it all adds up.

1. When you hear stories about special things that some couples do, how do you feel?
a. It makes me envious.
b. It makes me smile, but wonder what their secret is.
c. I have a feeling of unspoken companionship with that.

2. If one of you has had a bad day, what do you do?
a. We talk about it-that eases half the burden.
b. We prefer dealing with situations in our own ways.
c. If it’s a big issue, we’ll talk about it. But we don’t like troubling each other with every little thing that gets us down.

3. Do you tell each other secrets that you wouldn’t even tell your closest friends?
a. Of course! We’re soul mates.
b. There’re some things that friends understand better than partners, so it really depends.
c. No way. Friends are better listeners.

4. How clued in are you to each other’s sexual satisfaction?
a. Sex is a routine with practised moves.
b. We’ll ask each other how it feels.
c. We know what melts the other and try to focus on optimum pleasure.

5. Do you escort each other to weddings and other social functions?
a. We almost always have separate social calendars. Why bore the other person when they already have a busy life of their own?
b. Absolutely. We have plenty of friends in common and are close to each other’s families.
c. It depends on the occasion. If we know and like the people, we do. Or else, we’ll find an excuse.

6. How much blackmail-worthy stuff do you know about each other?
a. It’s generally embarrassing stuff that we’ve witnessed.
b. We’re pretty closed up about our pasts, so there isn’t much.
c. There’s oodles of stuff right from nerdy childhood pictures to stories about high school crushes.

7. After a sack session, you…
a. Cuddle for a bit before heading to your laptops.
b. Take a shower, together.
c. Immediately fall asleep.

8. What role does foreplay occupy in your sex life?
a. It’s an intricate part and sometimes we get so much into it that we don’t get to the actual act.
b. Foreplay, what’s that?
c. Foreplay is usually a means to get the other aroused enough for sex.

9. Do you ever pretend to have an orgasm?
a. Sometimes, when I know it’s just not going to happen.
b. All the time!
c. Nope. If I don’t get there, I don’t get there. The journey counts as much as the destination.

10. Do you know what your partner’s biggest sexual fantasy is?
a. I’ve made it come true for him!
b. Fantasies are for solo-pleasure…why share?
c. We know each other’s turn-ons, isn’t that enough?

Rate yourself

1. a: 1 b: 2 c: 3

2. a: 3 b: 1 c: 2

3. a: 3 b: 2 c: 1

4. a: 1 b: 2 c: 3

5. a: 1 b: 3 c: 2

6. a: 2 b: 1 c: 3

7. a: 2 b: 3 c: 1

8. a: 3 b: 1 c: 2

9. a: 2 b: 1 c: 3

10. a: 3 b: 1 c: 2

If you scored…

10-16: You guys are as tight-lipped as CID agents! You are like buddies just sharing a roof. Even roommates are more keyed into each other’s lives. Lose the ego and the BlackBerry and make time for each other. Share dreams and ambitions. Or before you know it, you’ll end up on a shrink’s couch and won’t know how you got there.

17-22: You care deeply about each other and often make the other a priority. But there are still areas you can work on to get more intimate with your mate. Talk more, not just about today, but about the past and future as well. Try to be more conscious of what the other really wants, both in bed and outside. While you appreciate the fact that both of you have the right to sometimes say no, make sure that you’re sensitive to what’s really important to the other person and make that a priority for you as well.

23-30: Great going! You and your partner have created a world that no one else is privy to. You’re totally in sync with each other and can complete each other’s sentences. You have internalised what really turns your partner on. While you connect on many different levels, remember that there’s a thin line between loving someone and spoiling them with attention.

Are you single in the head?

In an application form, do you hover over the 'single' option before memory kicks in? After all, you and your partner have different interests and me-time often extends to the whole day. You might be a SITH (single in the head) couple. Find out if you're one and see how you can make your relationship work while holding on to your individuality. By Aarthi Gunnupuri

We are fatally attracted to Gucci and Jimmy Choo, in an emotional relationship with chocolate and feel strongly about the health benefits of sleeping in. But the best things in life come at a price-they affect our wallets, our waistline and make us late for work! Relationships are similar. Sure, we get to fall asleep in someone’s arms every night, but we also tend to lose some friends, shift some focus from our work onto our partner, give up some hobbies and let go of a few dreams that don’t fit in with a coupled lifestyle. Right? Wrong!

Not everyone treats a relationship like the central force of their lives. They pursue their individual interests, keep friends, make new ones and enjoy their time alone. They adore and respect their partner, but also honour their own individuality. These couples are single in the head (SITH). Hear it from two such couples on how they stay committed.

“It’s about individual opinion and mutual respect”
Karina Kriplani, 27, and Sidhraj Shah, 31, are the quintessential SITH couple. They’ve found the right balance between being together and keeping their individuality. Karina is a lawyer. Sidhraj’s in advertising. “I had not met a single person from advertising before I met him,” says Karina. “And I didn’t know anyone who was a lawyer,” smiles Sidhraj.

Sidhraj loves sports and Karina loves reading. Sidhraj has his gang of buddies he’s known for years, and Karina loves sipping Cosmos with girlfriends. “I am totally cool with his obsession with sports,” says Karina, “whereas I just love lounging around and use those days as an excuse to spend time with the girls!”

The couple’s chemistry is palpable, so is their individuality. When you’re single in the head, you preserve your individual opinion and mostly take your own decisions. “There was this new job that I was really excited about, but Sidhraj didn’t think it was a good idea. I wanted to do it anyway and here I am at my new job loving every single day,” says Karina smiling widely.

“It’s about giving each other space, yet being a couple”
Rupa Gulab, 37, and her husband are another such couple. Rupa penned one of India’s earlier chick-lit novels, Girl Alone, whose main character was hilarious, but needy, dependent and insecure. Rupa is in stark contrast to her protagonist. She says, “I live a fabulous life with my husband. He loves his trips to wildlife parks and I hate them-so he goes with other people. I love noisy pubs, he hates them, so I go with other people. We’re not joined at the hip and absolutely refuse to be.”

Rupa adds, “Space is a crucially important issue in a relationship. Absence and distance do make the heart grow fonder. Imagine how much time we’d spend bickering if we forced each other to do things one of us doesn’t enjoy?”

Potential fight areas
While the following advice pertains to all sorts of relationships, it’s even more important in a SITH one. Dr Minnu Bhonsale, counsellor, says, “In a SITH relationship, if one takes a decision that the other disagrees with, the disagreeing partner should give his or her opinion and then, back the person unconditionally. This, irrespective of the decision taken and without holding a grudge. Otherwise, a passive-aggressive dynamic could emerge.”

Dr Bhonsale warns that thinking single can sometimes be risky to the relationship. She recounts the experiences of one of her patients who loved dancing, going out and having a good time, while her husband was a serious, introverted type. “They grew up in the same building, fell in love and got married,” she says. “But with time, she began to feel stifled, they were always surrounded by family since they continued to live in the same building, and the problem was compounded by their vastly different personalities and interests.” She began to pursue her love for dance, started hanging out with her buddies from class, while her husband refused to be part of her scene.

“The woman fell for her dance partner and began to compare him to her husband, and slowly the marriage disintegrated,” says Dr Bhonsale.

So how do you keep it together?
Be open to exploring each others’ interests. “You might be surprised by how much you actually enjoy your partner’s favourite hobby,” says Dr Bhonsale. “Or just seeing your partner enjoy himself could give you pleasure and happiness, resulting in a strong and healthy relationship.” And while you may not agree with your partner’s decisions or have the same points of view, make sure to show that “what matters to him, matters to you”, says Dr Bhosale. This attitude creates bonding like no other.

Advice from the horse’s mouth
Our SITH couples give us a few pointers on how they’ve turned their relationship into a success story.

1) Be honest and straightforward with each other, trust is very important in SITH relationships.
2) Spend time alone so you don’t feel stifled, because as a SITH you tend to cherish your me-time.
3) SITH individuals like to spend time with friends as well, especially in groups, but make sure to also spend time with each other. “I know a few SITH couples who are awkward and lost when it’s just them together,” says Sidhraj.
4) Individualistic is not the same as egoistic and uncomprimising. “Ego’s a bitch,” says Karina.
5) Travel as much as possible as a couple. This is important in SITH relationships, as you’re forced to spend time together, you may bicker and argue, and feel your space ‘taken’, but it’ll do your relationship good.

When you are SITH and he’s not! Gasp!
Couples’ counsellor Dr Minnu Bhonsale shares her ideas on bridging the distance

Bridge 1: Willingness to share and participate
You should make sure to not isolate your partner. Share your experiences with details about whom you met, what you did, how you felt and so on about your ‘single’ time with your partner. If possible, try to mix both your worlds. Your partner may not be as interested in trekking as you are, but he might probably enjoy meeting your trekking friends over dinner.

Bridge 2: Catch early signs and communicate
If the ‘space’ is turning into ‘distance’, the more perceptive and self-aware person among the couple-possibly you, the SITH individual-will realise this early on and should open the channel for communication.

Bridge 3: Acknowledge and appreciate
You should acknowledge that your partner is giving you the space and the freedom. Don’t grudge him not being part of your alone activities. Instead, appreciate your lone time, enjoy it and follow it up with the ‘Bridge 1’ tip.

Bridge 4: You may be SITH, but you’re not Single
Before committing to marriage or a serious relationship, realise that you will have to make space for another person. If you’re too committed to your individual interests and the other person is too invested in the relationship, the gap might be too large to bridge. Introspect and understand if you can indeed make space for another person in your life.

Find out if you are a SITH couple
This quiz will help you figure out if you are a happy or a lone ranger

1) It’s Saturday night and you want to go out partying, but your partner wants to spend time with his PSP. You…
a) Call up your girlfriends and paint the town red
b) Oops! You have no BFFs left, you dumped them all when you met your guy

2) You’ve been ODing on the greasy Chinese at the office cafeteria and your love handles are making a comeback. You…
a) Are worried that the fabulous Prada outfit you maxed your credit card for will not fit!
b) Are worried that your partner will lose interest!

3) He wants to learn the waltz to awaken the metrosexual within, but you think the waltz is pretentious and boring, so you…
a) Tell him he’s free to partner with your friend who is also interested in learning to waltz.
b) Hate it, but go anyway, worried that he’ll be holding another woman’s waist otherwise.

Mostly Bs - You’re joined at the hip with your man and you might be in danger of losing your identity or smothering him. Soon, people will be mixing up your names and will not be able to tell you apart!

Mostly As - You’re the typical SITH. Keep reading!

30 hotties we wish were single

These gorgeous men are hitched and hooked but that has never stopped us from wishing they were single... Sigh! By Shruti Kothari

1. Arjun Rampal - Mehr Jesia is one lucky babe! When a man looks as delicious and Mills & Boons-y as Rampal does, we want him! Are you listening, oh unfair-Gods-in-heaven?

2. Shahrukh Khan - Faithful King Khan has the entire planet swooning over him but it’s only Gauri Khan who gets the best of him! If only wishes were horses…

3. Hrithik Roshan - The dreamy Duggu strumming the guitar by the seaside, a la Kaho Na Pyaar Hai, singing - Susanna, Susanna, I’m crazy loving you…while we get crazy jealous!

4. Farhan Akhtar - With three women (read wifey Adhuna and daughters Shakya and Akira) in the house, how is this sizzler expected to have time to mend our broken hearts…?

5. Mahendra Singh Dhoni - This sexy cricket captain left us stumped with his hurricane wedding but our tears have not dried up yet. MSD - you owe us one!

6. Abhishek Bachchan - When you are married to Aishwarya Rai, there is little else to say. But would it be wishful thinking if we too could have a piece of his royal hotness? Get the idea, Sirji!

7. Aamir Khan - We heart you, Aamir. Qayamat se Qayamat tak… Seriously! Because yeh Dil Chahta Hai only you…

8. Imraan Khan - If only we could Kidnap this Khan and whisk him away to an Avantika-less, strawberries and cream heaven!

9. Sachin Pilot - Had someone warned us that the babalog of this country could look this good, we would have been prepared! But alas, Sarah got the better of us!

10. Sachin Tendulkar - While he made cricket history, Anita Mehta made personal history with him, leaving us with no story whatsoever!

11. Sabeer Bhatia - How can we not be interested in this USD 200 million portion of hotness! If this Hot Male wasn’t already Tania’s, we would come knockin’!

12. Ajay Devgn - With an aircraft at his disposal and Kajol on his arms, this shotgun leaves us with no option but to drool!

13. Akshay Kumar - The khiladi of khiladis, Akshay Kumar seems to become more and more handsome each day. Please tell us how you do it, Akki. We will gladly lend an ear (and anything else too)!

14. Omar Abdullah - Perhaps we should officially not take a panga with this General saab’s son-in-law. But since when is salivating a crime?!

15. Leander Paes - This Kolkata knight got cosy with Rhea Pillai in the blink of an eye! Who is paying for this blunder!?

16. Jyotiraditya Madhavrao Scindia - The babalog brigade couldn’t get better looking than this! Wait! This plus ‘Royalty’ - how can our hearts not skip a beat or two!?

17. Chetan Bhagat - Something about men who can write…the mystery, that’s what keeps us interested.

18. Rahul Dravid - The hottie on the Indian cricket team, Rahul Dravid’s unassuming charm tickles our senses like noone elses, when he’s on the cricket ground.

19. Imtiaz Ali - Had we met this ‘Jab We Met’ director before his marriage, life would have been a lot sweeter!

20. Shaan - Shaan’s voice could transport us into another realm altogether. Now, if only Radhika would give us the entry code to that realm.

21. Ayaan Ali Khan- Ayaan’s lineage claims to have invented the Sarod! Neema is holding on tight to this one but allow him to strum a bit for us!

22. Purab Kohli - This Channel V jockey’s cute smile can break a million hearts. We only wish it was breaking ours instead of Yamini’s.

23. Baichung Bhutia - Doesn’t take much to be wanted if you are a footballer! Madhuri should know…we can only hope to find out!

24. Homi Adajania - Homi’s myriad talents are enough to catch our attention. Oh but wait! Anaita has already caught it.

25. DJ and MTV VJ Nikhil Chinappa - Nikhil doesn’t seem to age and neither does his sense of humour! DJ Pearl should keep him in a cage, lest, we get naughty!

26. Vishwanathan Anand - With his meteoric rise in international chess, Vishwanathan left us astounded at check mate. Oh! Let’s check with his mate Aruna first!

27. Shekhar Ravjiani of Vishal-Shekhar - A trained classical singer and a daughter named Bipasha, this dreamy composer sure hits the right notes with his female audience at Zee’ popular show ‘Sa Re Ga Ma Pa’. If only he wasn’t married!

28. Rajdeep Sardesai - We’ve seen him a hundred times on T.V but to sit and debate with him over a cuppa would be ideal. Sagarika, you listening?

29. Naveen Jindal - This charming tycoon could sweep us off our feet…we will gladly oblige. But alas, that task has already been done and here we are, still waiting!

30. Vikas Oberoi - Real estate billionaire with beautiful wife Gayatri Joshiin tow…need we say, we feel left out!

Femina makes the big 30 more exciting by associating with the film “Turning 30”. For more dope on turning 30, visit our facebook and twitter pages.

Can he handle a diva like you?

Does your man take your success in his stride? Can he handle your popularity among friends and peers alike? Take this quiz to find out if he can handle the prima donna that you are. By Baisakhi Roy

1) You have him open the car door for you every time you go out.
a) he does if he doesn’t have something more important to do
b) does offer a meek protest sometimes
c) opens the door every time
d) he starts ranting about how unfair his life is

2) You have just told him that you don’t like his best friend and he cannot call you anymore on your landline.
a) he doesn’t care, he calls his friend and tells him to call back later. On the same number.
b) he talks to him when you are not around
c) he says he will never speak to him and at once takes him off his Facebook page
d) he looks at you, startled and bursts into tears.

3) You gift him a Harley at his surprise birthday party with 50 guests in attendance and you laugh about how he gave you flowers for yours.
a) he pops a bottle of champagne and straddles the bike proudly
b) he tries to stay unnoticed for the rest of the party
c) he is busy networking with your boss and flirting with his wife
d) he is heard defending the flowers to the guests

4) You are voted “Businesswoman of the year” and have to attend a celebratory party with him
a) he dons his best suit for the occasion
b) he mysteriously develops a headache and does not want to go
c) he proposes marriage and asks if you would consider a pre-nup.
d) he gets drunk and makes a scene

5) You are on holiday and you insist on paying for everything
a) he does not mind you paying once in a while
b) he insists very loudly on paying when there are people around and then asks you to pay
c) he never pays, you earn more than him don’t you?
d) he threatens to break up with you

Mostly a’s: He is a solid man, comfortable in his success. He can take your bad behaviour and dish some in return too. Don’t push him too far or else might just up and leave.

Mostly b’s: He’s embarrassed easily and suffers from self esteem problems. His manhood is threatened by any gesture, big or small. You are better off without him

Mostly c’s: He is in a comfort zone of another kind. He will let you walk all over him and after a while it won’t feel so good. A man who can stand up to you is way better than a doormat. Tread carefully; he might just get comfortable mooching off you for life.

Mostly d’s: Clearly he’s made the wrong choice. You can break this man with a whisper and then who do you go out with?

Can you forget that wildest affair of your life?

You may be married, engaged, a mother of two but remember that wild crush, that swinging affair, the love that swept you off your feet? 3 Women share the wildest, most passionate past life loves that they have moved on and away from, but they appear every now and then to remind them of a strange old time. By Smita Singh

Cold Dish, Saucy Thoughts
“Even if it wasn’t for keeps, it certainly was an affair to remember - that crazy bike ride with him, my first encounter of the best kind, the kiss that was never topped. The list goes on and so do your thoughts,” says Madhuri Gaurav of her six month long passionate affair with a college mate years ago.

“I am actually doing great with my man - but there are times when we are sitting in a restaurant we have been to a million times, the waiter knows what we are going to order before we do, with basically nothing to talk about. I find my mind going to the crazy time when I would stand for hours waiting for him in the rain. I met him bunking almost all classes for six months till the professors sent a letter home! Of course I tore that apart and continued meeting him come exams, storms or complaints. We were in a small town where gossip ruled and lying and hiding from parents and relatives was adventuresome enough to make even an otherwise inconsequential romance appear absurdly intense! In comparison watching my husband dig into the same chicken he orders every week seems so dull that I could tear my hair, of course never in my dreams would I let it show!”

Blame it on the Dry Spell
There are enough times when the physical craving for that fervent past becomes overwhelming to the senses so as to make your current rough dry spell feel intolerable by comparison. Vineeta knows what that is like, “We had this great romantic dating phase, but now after a kid, everything seems too safe, stable and incredibly stale really. I had this torrid, almost bordering on abusive relationship with this guy who was a common friend and I hate it when my mind goes back to him. Of course I realise that what I crave for is actually that mere slice of my life that I left behind, the thrill of discovery that is raw and new, the “forbidden fruit syndrome” as my friends call it! He was exciting, he was a wildly sexual man, and sex with him was actually a frenzied session where control was more important than connection. But In all the emotional chow-chow that marriage brings, I sometimes crave for that wild, disconnected satiating experience I know I want, but won’t go after ever.”

Love’s Labour Lost
Well the emotional roller coaster may be the bane of most marriages but then there are those relationships too that were so high on drama that living without that element might seem almost painfully dull. Aprajita knows that feeling only too well. “I think perhaps I have been single for too long, that’s what people tell me when I go into bouts of depression missing him, rejecting perfectly fine men. He was my superior at work. He was jealous, possessive but I never had a problem with that. I loved the passion with which he came to me after work, like he couldn’t wait. When we broke up- because he had to get married to the girl his parents chose for him, I was shocked that I never saw it coming. It was humiliating to be rejected like that, and I never want him back. But that resolve vanishes in moments when I am least prepared - a touch, a wrinkle on someone’s forehead, a perfume, a colour- it’s enough to make me dizzy with a desperate desire for him. It’s been years, but I can get drunk on the mere memory of his presence by my side.”

It is love, it is loss, it is life- sometimes you pass by all three unscathed and then there are those that pull you back mercilessly into a world that doesn’t exist anymore. Be wise, move on.

How much mush is too much?

Women are supposed to love all things mushy but what happens when it turns creepy? Aanchal Sethi speaks to three women with extra mushy partners who tell us why it just didn't work for them

“Flowers can’t always be the solution for everything”
Sonu Dhar, a designer, tells us about her sappy trauma. “Whenever my husband and I fought, he used to turn up on the doorstep with a bunch of roses. It was sweet at first but every time? Sure, flowers are romantic but they are also so clichéd.”

“Once, after we had a big fight, I told him about my growing apathy towards roses. He seemed to understand but to my surprise he turned up with a bag of greasy chicken wings as an apology! He thought it was a cute way of saying sorry but I was on a strict diet and he knew it! This was not what I expected and it really turned me off.”

“He just couldn’t keep his hands off me!”
When Akshata Acharya, a stylist, started going out with her boyfriend, she loved the shower of affection that came from him. However, soon he started getting too clingy and landed up irritating her.

“The first few weeks were great and my boyfriend seemed to be the sweetest and the most considerate guy. But as we got closer, he was all over me all the time! It’s not that I don’t like holding hands or the occasional peck on the cheek in public. But he went all out with the ‘OTT PDA’ and that made me really uncomfortable. I dropped a few subtle hints but he didn’t get it, till I firmly put my foot down.”

“My fairy-tale turned into a nightmare”
Smita Gole, an event organiser, relates how her so-called fairy-tale went wrong.

“When I saw him for the first time at work, I knew I was in love. The symptoms were typical, butterflies in the stomach and sleepless nights. And when I got to know that he liked me too, I was on cloud nine! Eventually we got talking and became friends. This continued till my birthday five months later.”

“I had a clue that he was planning a surprise. On the eve of my birthday at 11.55 pm, he was standing outside my balcony along with my friends, all of them holding bouquets in their hands and singing ‘Happy Birthday’ for me.”

“It seemed all dreamlike but the night wasn’t over yet. We went to our friend’s house where there was another surprise. The whole room was decorated and there was a big cake on the table. It was all going perfectly until he suddenly came out of the other room with his chest covered in blood! I screamed in fear and shock. He was calm and sweetly said ‘Don’t worry, its nothing’. He wiped the blood and there it was, my name etched on his chest with a knife! He knelt on his knees, took out a ring, and said ‘My life and death are yours from now, I want to start a new life with you, will you marry me?’

All I could manage was ‘NO, I will not marry you’. My so called fairy-tale had turned into a creepy nightmare in a matter of seconds.”

Mush works wonders…in moderation. Too much can be scary, as these women found out. If you are facing a similar situation, don’t get intimidated, we suggest talk it out. If that doesn’t work, get yourself out!

Can you forget that wildest affair of your life?

You may be married, engaged, a mother of two but remember that wild crush, that swinging affair, the love that swept you off your feet? 3 Women share the wildest, most passionate past life loves that they have moved on and away from, but they appear every now and then to remind them of a strange old time. By Smita Singh

Cold Dish, Saucy Thoughts
“Even if it wasn’t for keeps, it certainly was an affair to remember - that crazy bike ride with him, my first encounter of the best kind, the kiss that was never topped. The list goes on and so do your thoughts,” says Madhuri Gaurav of her six month long passionate affair with a college mate years ago.

“I am actually doing great with my man - but there are times when we are sitting in a restaurant we have been to a million times, the waiter knows what we are going to order before we do, with basically nothing to talk about. I find my mind going to the crazy time when I would stand for hours waiting for him in the rain. I met him bunking almost all classes for six months till the professors sent a letter home! Of course I tore that apart and continued meeting him come exams, storms or complaints. We were in a small town where gossip ruled and lying and hiding from parents and relatives was adventuresome enough to make even an otherwise inconsequential romance appear absurdly intense! In comparison watching my husband dig into the same chicken he orders every week seems so dull that I could tear my hair, of course never in my dreams would I let it show!”

Blame it on the Dry Spell
There are enough times when the physical craving for that fervent past becomes overwhelming to the senses so as to make your current rough dry spell feel intolerable by comparison. Vineeta knows what that is like, “We had this great romantic dating phase, but now after a kid, everything seems too safe, stable and incredibly stale really. I had this torrid, almost bordering on abusive relationship with this guy who was a common friend and I hate it when my mind goes back to him. Of course I realise that what I crave for is actually that mere slice of my life that I left behind, the thrill of discovery that is raw and new, the “forbidden fruit syndrome” as my friends call it! He was exciting, he was a wildly sexual man, and sex with him was actually a frenzied session where control was more important than connection. But In all the emotional chow-chow that marriage brings, I sometimes crave for that wild, disconnected satiating experience I know I want, but won’t go after ever.”

Love’s Labour Lost
Well the emotional roller coaster may be the bane of most marriages but then there are those relationships too that were so high on drama that living without that element might seem almost painfully dull. Aprajita knows that feeling only too well. “I think perhaps I have been single for too long, that’s what people tell me when I go into bouts of depression missing him, rejecting perfectly fine men. He was my superior at work. He was jealous, possessive but I never had a problem with that. I loved the passion with which he came to me after work, like he couldn’t wait. When we broke up- because he had to get married to the girl his parents chose for him, I was shocked that I never saw it coming. It was humiliating to be rejected like that, and I never want him back. But that resolve vanishes in moments when I am least prepared - a touch, a wrinkle on someone’s forehead, a perfume, a colour- it’s enough to make me dizzy with a desperate desire for him. It’s been years, but I can get drunk on the mere memory of his presence by my side.”

It is love, it is loss, it is life- sometimes you pass by all three unscathed and then there are those that pull you back mercilessly into a world that doesn’t exist anymore. Be wise, move on.

‘We need to talk!’

The fastest way to send your man packing is to say these four words! But sometimes talk is all you need, so how to get him to sit on that table with you? Clinical Psychologist Prachi S Vaish presents five ways to clinch this near-impossible task!

Change your words
Yes, you heard it right. If you want to make these four words work, don’t say them! Instead try a different approach. Broach the subject on your mind when he’s in a relaxed mood by hinting at it sideways. Say “Hey, do you think we could take a minute to discuss that issue?” or “Umm…I was wondering if I could get your thoughts on this thing on my mind….” Letting him know that you are actually looking forward to his take on something, will prevent his emotional barriers from going up and you will have a much more receptive partner.

Fix a date
Even though you’ve given him an open ended opportunity to talk, make sure you set a firm enough time for both of you, like “How about we take it up next Friday on a walk by the beach?” By mentioning a specific time, you’re letting him see that you’re serious about this and also not allowing him to procrastinate. In addition, mentioning a pleasant activity along with it doesn’t send warning signals to his brain that something might be wrong. We know all too well that an invitation to talk spells trouble for men!

Listen first
So you’re sitting down and he’s willing to give it a shot. But don’t let your mouth run away with the words straight off. If he has agreed to listen, then he should be given a fair chance to speak too. And wired as men are, it doesn’t cost much to let him have the first go, but earns you loads of brownie points! Just put the issue on the table in concrete words and let him voice his thoughts first. He might just be thinking about it the way you already are!

Keep things precise
Guys tune out when you stretch what you’re saying too much. So try to keep your expressions simple and accurate. Let him know what you expect and keep your demands reasonable. When you say what you want exactly, instead of a lot of ‘Umms…errs…the thing is etc.’ he really hears you out.

Stick to the issue
These ‘we need to talk’ sessions are meant to deal with something important that’s weighing on your mind. Do not use them to accuse him for past mistakes or oversight. You will end up flinging dirt at each other for hours and ultimately lose the actual topic along the way, for which you will need to schedule another session; and given your repeat nag-performances, your man will try to avoid them more and more and you’re back at square-one!

Propositioning your man tactfully and meeting the issue head-on can save a lot of time and hedging; just sit down and talk like adults and yours will be one of the very few men who love their conversations!

5 worst bosses ever!

That toxic mentor, that lecherous superior at work, the one with the 'God Complex'...who is the worst boss of them all? Smita Singh draws up the graph of 5 worst Big Bad Bosses who add up to complete losses for your self-esteem, growth potential and that light as air wallet in your bag!

1. It Wasn’t Me
When the buck just never stops and the only thing trickling down is the weight of projects gone wrong, you know you are working with ‘The One That Never Owns Up’. And if you ever try to make him or her own up, you better have someone up there with an ear to listen, a sharp gaze to assess and a level head that knows justice- a pretty big task if you ask.

Tackle the monster: The only way to work with a shirker is to put it all down on paper and keep back-ups and make absolutely sure you had your ears clean and open and in working condition while taking down any ideas or instructions, good luck then!

2. I am the Chosen One
She or he is omnipotent, is the God of big and small things and never quits, and you have the dubious honour of serving The Chosen One. In control of her life and yours, her schedule and yours, this big boss has it all planned out- the exact words, the time, the place and the strategy. All you have to do then is to make her look good, and you better have some divine intervention on your side because pleasing her is no ordinary human chore!

Tackle the monster: You will never know or learn your own worth because you’ll probably never get to do any stuff yourself or the credit for it. So the trick here is to over-perform, make a show of what you do and make the person superior to your boss aware of your contribution.

3. Toxic Mentor
If you learnt the ropes form this one but find yourself tied in knots most times, it’s the toxic mentor keeping you in your place, preventing you from soaring high. So if you are flying blind and it keeps getting tough, it’s time to realize the mentor’s turned a jealous insecure enemy and is making sure that you fly into turbulent weather after moving the radars just a little bit.

Tackle the monster: Pay your respects and tip toe out before you ruin more than just the most important relationship of your professional life. Be sure to keep a few objective friends on your side because you may never know your true worth if you have stuck with this abusive relationship for too long - remember, it works for your mentor to keep you coming back for more. So don’t look down and fly away.

4. Nit Picker Supreme
If he’s picking your brains dry today about a fax you may or may not receive tomorrow, if she’s busy telling you how the right side of your desk is not as neat as the left side of your colleague’s, relax. They are a rare sub species of the geeko-perfectionist group, they not only know what they want, they know how they want it done down to the last tiny detail till you feel like an exhausted mechanical arm of a giant machine- with a mind of its own of course.

Tackle the monster: Just take a deep breath and stuff that scream where it came from. If you react to their nit picking, they tend to go full throttle and attack with renewed vigour, almost like a psycho lover. Instead, ignore their rants and play as cool as possible and do your own thing but do it well, this will most likely reduce their outbursts.

5. I am a Sinner and a Saint, Go figure!
It’s a mad mood world out there every morning and our sympathies with you for dealing with literally the worst boss ever. Your friend and philosopher one day, your worst foe the next, this one’s enough to drive you insane. Yes, the Academy of Management in the US identifies the ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ superior as the worst boss of all! So whether he got up on the wrong side of the bed, or she fought traffic, you are unfortunately the first one to find out.

Tackle the monster: Make a quick exit. There really isn’t any trick to handle this one other than moving on. But if you can’t get out, well…two’s company isn’t it?!

Does your partner hate your best friend?

After a satisfying day out with your favourite girlfriend, do you come home to find your partner sulking? Do you often wish that your partner would just learn to like your BFF? Ekta Hattangady speaks to experts on how to handle your partner's dislike for that 'other' important person in your life

Sonia’s best friend, Mamta, is her lifeline. They have been best friends since they met at college almost twelve years ago. They speak four to five times a day even now. But Sonia’s husband of seven years just cannot bear to hear even a titbit of information related to Mamta! “There are some times when Mamta comes to our house and Sameer will not even leave the bedroom to say hello,” laments a distressed Sonia.

Are you discussing him?
“Sonia’s situation is not unique, a lot of men feel threatened by strong female bonding,” says Dr. Jahanara of the Institute of Human Behaviour and Applied Sciences, Delhi. “There are several reasons men may dislike their partner’s girlfriends. But mostly it is owing to a man’s own insecurities and the aura of mystery around what women talk about,” she explains. If you are constantly taking the phone into the other room while talking to your friend, it is likely to make your partner feel that you’re discussing him or something that you don’t want him to know. This is likely to agitate him.

Unlike men, women are known to share even minute details of their lives with each other. “A man would definitely feel threatened if he thinks his partner is sharing intimate details about their life with her friend. They may fear being judged by the friend or feel vulnerable and exposed to a person not in their inner circle,” says Dr. Jahanara.

My friend says so…
If a woman often uses her friend’s name to strengthen her point during an argument, it may give the impression that she is easily influenced by external viewpoints. Sonia admits that sometimes she does make remarks like, ‘Mamta and I both think we should do this…’ or, ‘not only me, but Mamta also said…’ “There is a good chance that Sonia’s husband feels that her friend seems to have a say in every little matter that concerns their life,” analyses Dr. Jahanara, “This will not only make her husband dislike her friend more, but will also affect their communication patterns in general.”

“More conventional men tend to feel intimidated by independent and confident women. It makes them feel that their partners will get carried away by the ideas of their radical friends. They may feel threatened when their partners grow and challenge status quo,” says Samata Vasisht, a life coach who runs Synergy Holistic, Mumbai.

Is your friend eating into your ‘couple’ time?
Sonia speaks to her best friend quite often during the evenings. Vashish explains, “Men would not take it well if they feel they have to compete with their partner’s friend to be the No. 1 in their lives. Every marriage has a space. The day is usually meant for work and routine chores, and the evenings to spend time with each other or the family. This space, if often occupied by other things can be very harmful to a relationship.”

Talk it out but don’t confront!
Dr. Jahanara and Ms. Vasisht both agree that open communication about the problem is the key to resolving this deadlock. “Don’t settle for I-just-don’t-like-her,” says Dr. Jahanara, “Ask him to specify what exactly his problem is. Do this gently; else it may sound like a confrontation.”

According to Vasisht, “Men don’t understand that women discuss their problems not in the hope that all their issues will get resolved, but more to feel better after a good rant. When they hear others having similar problems, it makes them feel less isolated. Women need to explain to their partners that they need to have healthy friendships outside.”

Go beyond love!
Make your partner feel wanted as a friend in your life too. Ask for advice from him as you do from your friends. When he knows that he has a secure place in your life, he is unlikely to worry about being displaced.

Encourage ‘bro time’
Both, Jahanara and Vasisht agree that respecting “bro time” - time that partners spend with the boys also helps the situation. A couple where both have stable friendships outside of their relationship is likely to be happier.

So the next time your partner makes a snide remark about your best friend, you know what to do, right?

Women are just as scary when mad!

Are you scary when angry? From physical to verbal abuse, from nasty tricks to humiliating scenes, is your temper getting the better of you? Men talk about women and women about themselves when anger in their lives threatened to destroy it all. By Smita Singh

Angry Women = Scary Women
When Supriya started to realize she had a temper she was 12, when she decided she liked her aggression, she was 26 and climbing the work ladder fast, when she realized she had hit her daughter almost everyday during the summer vacations, she was 32 and her daughter was 4.

“Both my parents had a lot of latent as well as overt aggression and that seeped into me very early. I was also bullied in school as a kid, so in my work place I turned it all out and the sense of power and confidence it gave me was exhilarating.” By the time her husband, understanding to a large extent and usually capable of keeping her in good humor, realized the child had no such defense or guile, Supriya was ready to listen.

“Motherhood took a toll on me. I felt frustrated, incapable of controlling a situation, a baby for god’s sake! I would yell so loudly, erupt in such dramatic ways that both my husband and child started to keep a distance, of course that aggravated me more.” Supriya remembers pinching her daughter hard while watching a movie in the theatre to keep the child from complaining. “Back home at night when I was changing her clothes, I noticed so many places on her arm that had turned red and blue. I was inconsolable for days.”

Supriya has since attended seminars, yoga sessions and little by little worked her anger out in different ways, although she admits there’s a long way to go.

You duck when things come flying, and it’s not funny
Suraj was 3 years into his marriage when he felt desperate enough to leave his job and move to another city to get away. ‘She does not work, so I send her money instead. We had an arranged marriage and I think there will be too many questions if I decided to walk out formally. I once share with a friend and all I got was ‘You are scared of your wife?’ It’s very hard to explain.’ Suraj had been struggling from the first six months of their marriage in which he had witnessed more scenes than in his entire lifetime. “It’s not funny when someone goes completely nuts, looking deranged and sets out to break everything you own. If I ever attempted to over power her in any way it would get worse and it was always my fault that I got her this mad.”

Suraj himself acknowledges his shortcomings- unhappy with the match he was negligent, infuriatingly obstinate and sarcastic when they sat down to discuss their problems. “But none of it, at least in my eyes justifies her behavior because she destroyed my reputation where we lived, I became a laughing stock in office because my colleague shared the same apartment complex. She would threaten to cut herself up with a knife if I so much as touched her - in anger, or to walk out at one in the morning and wake the neighbors if we had a disagreement or I refused to give in on things big and small.” It would eventually build up in such a messy situation that he would drive off, leave her alone to cool down and come back to pick up the pieces later.

“It was not a difficult decision for me to move away, honestly. I was sick of never being able to relax in my own house, always waiting for some ticking bomb to explode.” Suraj has found a temporary haven away from his marriage, but he knows its not going to last forever.

Silence bigger than violence?
Rahul and Pooja hold very different opinions on what breaks a marriage- is it the cold aloofness that he emanated every time they had an argument or the passionate and well, a little aggressive reactions from her side that were inexplicably threatening to him?

“His response to every disagreement was to take on this stoic, hurt demeanor and shut all forms of communication. So while I do realize that my responses went out of hand and I do have a problem in the way I deal with my temper, he was no help in relieving the symptoms. He felt it would belittle him in some way to make a little room,” says Pooja. While she feels it was his cold indifference and vengeful silence that did their relationship in, Rahul believes adults should be accountable for their actions.

He argues, “How can I reach out to a person who wouldn’t give me my time or space to come around and would instead start to bang on doors swearing at me loudly? Sometimes she provoked me deliberately to bring me down to her level, said horrible things about my family and me.”

Pooja of course has a different account of things. “I didn’t need to seek help since we both had too many differences and there was no point in opening up and making myself vulnerable for this person I am not even sure I want to be with. Perhaps it’s something I need to do at my own pace at my own time.”

Whether it was his deliberate attempts to bring out the worst in her, or her temper tantrums themselves, they are no longer together and neither one regrets the break up.

What’s a deal breaker for you?

What is it that can make you get up and say enough is enough? 5 Women talk about why they took the decision of walking out of their committed relationships and what finally triggered the call. By Smita Singh

From monogamous to monotonous- The dull and the dreary
“We met through our parents, we sat and discussed work, family, backgrounds, tastes, you name it,” says Deepti of her first of many meetings with her husband of five years whom she recently separated from. “My parents encouraged some distance, as a result I ended up with someone who looked good on paper but was the most disinterested, dull and lifeless person I could have ever imagined. What I perceived as formality and shyness was boredom and next to no imagination.” In face of a life spent with someone who infused no joy, no creativity, and refused to evolve beyond perfunctory trips to his parents, evenings spent in front of the television, and no real connection of thoughts and aspirations, Deepti decided to save the rest of her life for herself and for someone who responded to her life more enthusiastically.

Hooked for life to life on tenterhooks- In to the combat zone
When Monica met him, she knew it was going to last for a long long time. They worked in the same IT firm, their friends all rooted for them and they turned each other on at every level. “I was so thrilled at finding a man I could match wits with, who was and also lets me be combative, charged and bouncing on new ideas. Till I realized he just has to be combative all the time! It was just too much to have to defend every little thing I uttered all day long. It wore me thin to a breaking point- not agreeing on anything, having to justify why I wanted to be friends with someone, why not with somebody else, what my political views are on something and why.” So after three years with almost daily challenges of warding off an onslaught of demeaning allegations and suspicious questioning, Monica walked out of the most promising and the most exhausting relationship of her life at 28.

A penny for your thoughts, literally- The misery of the miser
Well there are some of us who like to pay our bills always, share the burden, take a load off, but that’s just not the same as paying for his new underwear and buying most of his meals- especially when he’s your boss too! “He was actually my supervisor in the marketing company where I worked and after I left, our parents thought it’d be cool to get us together. We went out for 6 months and not a day more!” Almost engaged to the man, Ritu had the hardest time explaining to his parents in embarrassing detail how their son wouldn’t spring for a cola, much less buy tickets or a meal ever! Says Ritu, “He was so tight fisted I cannot remember even once when he agreed to go out with my friends and paid the bill. He never suggested going out so why should he pay, was his logic.” And that spelt a lifetime of solitary partying on pizzas at home or getting crossed out from most friend lists, so Ritu decided to cut her losses and walk out.

Seldom sober but forever sexist - Sick jokes and sicker liver
If your ‘life of the party’ partner goes out like a light as soon as the alcohol’s gone, that’s some booze for thought! “I put everything in trying to pull this relationship through at all costs,” recalls Shipra of her seven-year marriage. After discovering it was not just the alcohol, but his background, his work culture, his major choices in life that she’d have to fight she started giving up hope. “It’s true with most substance abusers- there’s always more than the surface level problem, but the person has to be willing to get out, and what kind of a person would he be once he does get out?” Shipra decided after 7 long years to break away when she started to dislike the person under the alcoholic as well. “His dissatisfaction with life, with himself was all bound up in this rigid hatred of women and I couldn’t live with the sexist jokes in public and the misogyny in private.” Shipra is now divorced and very much at peace.

Where did the love go? - The deal breaks when you don’t know

It might feel like a spell when you first fall in love, but in real life how often are you lucky enough to know exactly when it breaks? Kiran remembers, “We were, by the time my son was born, a perfectly robotic couple. Breakfast, off to work, back to nanny and kid, rushed dinner, numbing television, hurried sex if ever and back to the next day.” After 4 years of living like this the breaking point happened when Kiran saw him with a colleague at a party. “He looked so young, flirtatious, and almost handsome with her. I knew he no longer loved me. That night started our biggest row, led to many more talks and our friends are still surprised at the ease with which we decided to end the marriage.”

If he never cheated on you, you never argued with him, he never let you down, you never nagged him, he never picked on you, you never raged at him- have you got the perfect deal going or is it really the deal breaker? Think about it!

The bond that will never snap: Sisterhood

It's a friendship that started when you opened your eyes and grasped another tiny finger; a friend who fought fiercely for you and with you. Sisterhood is to be remembered, cherished and strengthened as we grow older and wiser, because as 3 women tell us, sisters are forever. By Smita Singh

My sister, my guide, my guardian angel: ‘She credits my wisdom and I her love.’

37 year old mother of two adorable toddler twins, Anamika has been a fiercely protective, loving and nurturing older sister to Arpita. Both married and living in cities far apart, from Dubai to Delhi is a call away for Anamika if her sister ever needs her. “I was 19 when we lost our mother,” recalls Arpita. “I don’t remember exactly when the transformation happened, but my sister, little over a year older than me began loving me and our younger brother as a mother, giving us more time and affection, thinking of our future.”

Arpita, a corporate lawyer on sabbatical and a new mother, loves her elder sister with a deep dedication. Says Arpita, “Even when I deserved it least she loved me. I remember when we were young I criticized her quite harshly for her competitiveness and focus in life. It’s exactly the same qualities about her that I now deeply admire when I see the beautiful life she has made for herself without losing the beauty of her being. I don’t really think I drive her mad at all because I seldom see her disturbed with me. I guess she is graceful enough to look beyond all my faults and take care of everything the only way she knows- with love.”

A profound sense of having a sister watch her back, makes her stronger. Anamika has been a mother, a sister, a friend and above all the guardian angel many may wish for, but few are lucky to live with.

Best Friends Forever: ‘She’s a friend for life, a person I can share anything with.’

For 26 year old Neha, mothering her four years younger sister has become second nature. At the same time she feels that with Natasha, her bond goes beyond that of any friendship she could ever have. And though spats with her sister are not exactly rare, Neha who recently got married remembers one that touched her deeply. “Before the wedding, I was quite tense and jittery and in all of this while my sister hovered around me giving her opinions, I snapped at her very rudely in front of our relatives.” Young Natasha, all of 22 years, took it to heart and swore not to dance at the wedding! “She cried and told me she won’t do anything for me ever! We slept in separate rooms that night and I felt awful. In the morning I started to look for her and before I could say anything, she hugged me. I told her I was sorry as we hugged and that precise moment I realised how much I am going to miss her.”

As a creative director at a media production house, and married, Neha hardly gets the time she once had with her sister. “Living with Natasha meant mess all around especially in the bathroom, and she also has this habit of using my clothes misplacing them and then denying! But I still miss her like crazy and value any time I get to spend with her. I talk to her a lot more and mother her all the time now.”

Describing her relationship with Natasha, she says, “I have a bond with my sister that gets strengthened every day. It can’t be described because even as it keeps evolving, it remains constant and dependable.”

Soul Sisters: ‘I would give everything I have to see her smile and be happy.’

“Ever since I was a kid, I thought of Geetika as someone who’ll shelter me from the garbage in life. She’d give up her things insisting I get the best,” says 27 year old Kushal, a Media and Communications professional of her sister Geetika, who is three years older and a teacher. Used to Geetika checking in on her during recess in school to make sure she was okay, with time it was Kushal who took over protecting her quieter sibling. “If someone hurt her, they’d have to deal with me!”

In fact after having joined a spiritual community a couple of years ago, Kushal feels they are both bonded souls. “We have bonded as more than just sisters born of the same womb. If we are mad at each over something, or have hurt each other, I don’t need to hear her say sorry- it has no meaning for me.”

But even soul sisters can get on each other’s nerves! “She will weigh the pros and cons of each small or big decision carefully- whether it’s what to have for breakfast or the colour of the house, where as I go with the flow. And now that I am getting married in less than a month, whenever I’ll think of home, I’ll think of her waiting for me with the same innocence and pure love as when we were kids. I’ll miss sitting on my ass at the end of a long day, and badgering her into making her awesome cold coffee and not so good Maggie noodles!’

From sharing clothes to secrets, worries to memories, for Kushal and Geetika, sisterhood is when conversations never really do end and having “Someone you can’t ever lie to and who’ll never judge you even if you’re having the worst ever hair and skin day!”

Taash bash for two

All you want is to spend a quiet holiday with your man - without compromising on the traditions. We draw up just the plan for you. You, him, a pack of cards and some colourful games - we certainly can't think of a more perfect holiday than that!

Here are some naughty, some exciting card game ideas to get you started…

Gotcha!
This is a fun game, sure to keep both of you on your toes. All you need is a deck of cards. Shuffle them and divide the deck amongst the both of you. One by one, you have to start laying out the cards alternatively. If you lay the same numbered card upon the other, you have to shout out ‘Gotcha’, for example, a 2 upon a 2. The one who shouts out ‘gotcha’ first, gets to keep the entire stack of cards which has been laid down. You have to be sharp to win this game. You can make it more fun or creative by adding variations… like greater/ smaller numbers (a 4 upon a 3 and vice versa). In case you wrongly shout out ‘Gotcha’, your partner gets to keep the cards instead. And of course, you can give this a naughty twist. The person who loses can be made to do whatever the winner wants.

Your wish is my command
What you need:
From a pack of regular cards all the Kings and Queens.
So you’ll have 8 cards in all.

Divide the cards into 2 sets (2 kings and 2 queens). Both of you have to hide each card from your set in different places in the house.

Objective of the game:
To find the other person’s set in a limited time period. Each card represents a wish (the king - a crazy fantasy, the queen - a domestic fantasy) which the other partner has to fulfil. You have to find as many cards as you can (which your partner has hidden) within 10 minutes. Works great for those spouses who have a lot of wishes (read fantasies) to fulfil.

Match point
You all must have played the memory game on the computer. This is the card version of the game. Shuffle and lay out the entire deck of cards on the floor in a square, face down. Open two cards at a time to see if they match. If they don’t, you will have to turn them around once again in their original positions. As you open more and more cards, you will have to memorise the position of the earlier cards so as to make a match. Once you make a match, you will get to keep those cards. The partner with the most cards at the end of the match is the winner.

We have surely got you thinking with these. Now, create your own as you go along. Turn off the lights, sparkle the house with diyas and settle down in your living room, after Laxmi Puja, with a deck of cards, just you and him, and voila… you’ll have the most memorable Diwali with your partner.