Does your partner hate your best friend?

After a satisfying day out with your favourite girlfriend, do you come home to find your partner sulking? Do you often wish that your partner would just learn to like your BFF? Ekta Hattangady speaks to experts on how to handle your partner's dislike for that 'other' important person in your life

Sonia’s best friend, Mamta, is her lifeline. They have been best friends since they met at college almost twelve years ago. They speak four to five times a day even now. But Sonia’s husband of seven years just cannot bear to hear even a titbit of information related to Mamta! “There are some times when Mamta comes to our house and Sameer will not even leave the bedroom to say hello,” laments a distressed Sonia.

Are you discussing him?
“Sonia’s situation is not unique, a lot of men feel threatened by strong female bonding,” says Dr. Jahanara of the Institute of Human Behaviour and Applied Sciences, Delhi. “There are several reasons men may dislike their partner’s girlfriends. But mostly it is owing to a man’s own insecurities and the aura of mystery around what women talk about,” she explains. If you are constantly taking the phone into the other room while talking to your friend, it is likely to make your partner feel that you’re discussing him or something that you don’t want him to know. This is likely to agitate him.

Unlike men, women are known to share even minute details of their lives with each other. “A man would definitely feel threatened if he thinks his partner is sharing intimate details about their life with her friend. They may fear being judged by the friend or feel vulnerable and exposed to a person not in their inner circle,” says Dr. Jahanara.

My friend says so…
If a woman often uses her friend’s name to strengthen her point during an argument, it may give the impression that she is easily influenced by external viewpoints. Sonia admits that sometimes she does make remarks like, ‘Mamta and I both think we should do this…’ or, ‘not only me, but Mamta also said…’ “There is a good chance that Sonia’s husband feels that her friend seems to have a say in every little matter that concerns their life,” analyses Dr. Jahanara, “This will not only make her husband dislike her friend more, but will also affect their communication patterns in general.”

“More conventional men tend to feel intimidated by independent and confident women. It makes them feel that their partners will get carried away by the ideas of their radical friends. They may feel threatened when their partners grow and challenge status quo,” says Samata Vasisht, a life coach who runs Synergy Holistic, Mumbai.

Is your friend eating into your ‘couple’ time?
Sonia speaks to her best friend quite often during the evenings. Vashish explains, “Men would not take it well if they feel they have to compete with their partner’s friend to be the No. 1 in their lives. Every marriage has a space. The day is usually meant for work and routine chores, and the evenings to spend time with each other or the family. This space, if often occupied by other things can be very harmful to a relationship.”

Talk it out but don’t confront!
Dr. Jahanara and Ms. Vasisht both agree that open communication about the problem is the key to resolving this deadlock. “Don’t settle for I-just-don’t-like-her,” says Dr. Jahanara, “Ask him to specify what exactly his problem is. Do this gently; else it may sound like a confrontation.”

According to Vasisht, “Men don’t understand that women discuss their problems not in the hope that all their issues will get resolved, but more to feel better after a good rant. When they hear others having similar problems, it makes them feel less isolated. Women need to explain to their partners that they need to have healthy friendships outside.”

Go beyond love!
Make your partner feel wanted as a friend in your life too. Ask for advice from him as you do from your friends. When he knows that he has a secure place in your life, he is unlikely to worry about being displaced.

Encourage ‘bro time’
Both, Jahanara and Vasisht agree that respecting “bro time” - time that partners spend with the boys also helps the situation. A couple where both have stable friendships outside of their relationship is likely to be happier.

So the next time your partner makes a snide remark about your best friend, you know what to do, right?